How is therapy different to a conversation with a friend?

Exploring the key differences and similarities: Sometimes you can have the right conversations but who you have them with and how you have them can make all the difference.

Understanding the dynamics of sharing with a friend

Friendships as a support system: The mixed bag

Imagine you share a problem or a troubling emotion with a friend and you are unsure of how they will react, whether they will go around telling people or whether or not they actually will get it. Sometimes they might get it, sometimes they won't. Sharing a problem or your emotions with a friend can often be the right form of action but you ultimately have to be prepared for a mixed bag of results. Because you know them on a personal level you might think twice, "will they judge me, will they see me differently, do I want them to know about this problem?" Amidst all of this uncertainty let's assume you proceed to share the problem with them.

Exploring the best and worst case scenarios of sharing a problem with a friend.

Upon sharing the problem you may or may not feel better. It ultimately depends on the friend's response. Let's assume the best and worst case scenarios to better understand how a friend might respond.

The best case scenario: Strong understanding and validation

Your friend gets the problem, they have validated you and your emotions, and you feel relieved that you've opened up. They may even help you solve the problem or work through your emotions, in other cases they might just be a listening ear. Their support might be sufficient or it might not but what is important here, regardless of all this, is that they can offer an element of social support which we all need as humans. It is undeniable that we are a social species and we all require a certain level of social support around us, so in this sense sharing with a friend can be rewarding if we assume the best case scenario.

The worst case scenario: Invalidation, judgment and a lack of attentiveness

Yet what happens when the friend doesn't quite fully understand your situation completely? They may spend more time talking about their experiences or they invalidate your problem completely. Sometimes this can leave you feeling unheard or judged. We can have the right conversations but in the wrong context. When any of the above happens you are likely to feel that your problem has been invalidated. This can be unfortunate yet sometimes this just happens. In this case your intention was right but the context for having the conversation wasn't.

Balancing Trust and Uncertainty, Therapy as a Distinct Path: Context Matters

So this raises the question of how do you have these meaningful conversations without all of this uncertainty. This is where context (time, place and person) becomes important. If you are looking to overcome the uncertainties that come with sharing a problem with a friend or you are looking for something more that goes beyond social support than therapy is ultimately the place where you can do this.

Taking into account everything we have discussed so far, how exactly is therapy different from a conversation with a friend?

Within therapy, the focus is solely on you. The time is blocked off specifically for the sole purpose of helping you. There are no other distractions present, there is no need to rush through as the 45 mins - 1 hr within a session are dedicated to helping you and the therapist is trained specifically for this purpose. The role of a therapist is to help guide you through your thoughts, emotions and behaviours, helping you understand how you can develop a better relationship with your thoughts and bring about behaviour change.

This is something we may not always get to work through in a day to day life. You might get support from a friend but it may not be as much of a regular occurrence as you would like and as highlighted before there are a number of variables which can impact the extent to which a friend can help you. This includes divided attention, a reluctance to speak about things which make them uncomfortable or how their existing relationship and perception of you as a friend might impact their level of honesty with you.

How is a therapist themselves different from a friend?

Therapist vs. Friend: Clear Distinctions

1. Therapists are trained to be and expected to be non judgmental, they don’t have a preconceived image of you like a friend does.

2. Therapists invest a lot of time in between sessions researching and understanding certain things that come up.

3. Therapists respect your privacy and confidentiality, they can keep confidentiality up until a certain point assuming there is no risk of harm, well-being etc.

4. Therapists are trained to be active listeners - knowing where to pause and just listen or where to ask more questions at key moments to help you.

5. Therapists provide solutions and answers backed up by years of theory, research and evidence around human behaviour and emotions.

6. Therapists take a guided and structured approach - it’s not just a one off conversation, there’s a follow up and a smooth gradual progression.

7. Therapists know it’s a two way process - they have the skills and tools to guide you, yet equally they see you as the expert of your own experiences and value what you have to say.

8. Therapists know change will take time - they take a calm and patient approach and are invested in helping you progress.

9. Therapists spend time reflecting and planning in between sessions.

10. Therapists can use therapeutic frameworks to guide you through a thought, situation, feeling or emotion, teaching you coping strategies which you can use long after you finish working them.

So how might you feel going into therapy? What can you expect?

The therapist is likely meeting you for the first time so they don’t have a preconceived image of you like a friend does, for this reason you might feel slightly vulnerable going into an initial therapy session as this might be the first time you are sharing the problem with a trusted professional, yet it’s important to note that the therapist will spend a good amount of time in the first session getting to know a bit more about you first before diving into what you want to work on. You will also get to know a bit more about your therapist.

As humans we are a social species and it’s important to ensure that you are comfortable within the therapeutic setting for more effective work to take place going forward. You can expect the first session to be 45 mins - 1 hr slightly more or less depending on your needs. Whilst it’s not uncommon to feel a little anxious going into an initial session, it’s also not uncommon to come out of a session feeling like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders, such is the power of therapy and sharing your emotions, feelings and problems in an open and undistracted environment.

By the end of the first few sessions the therapist will have a rough idea of your needs and how they can help you. In some instances if they have made a call that the level of support you require is outside of their competency (what they are trained to do) it’s likely that they will recommend other avenues of support. If they support you going forward you can expect a block of sessions focused around the areas which have been identified early on. There are of course different processes and stages involved in therapy but for today we are just looking at a snapshot overview to highlight how therapy might differ from a conversation with a friend.

Human Element in Therapy: Bridging The Gap

It’s important to remember that after-all a therapist is still just another human being and they are just like you, they have their own set of life experiences but they understand how they can help others navigate such experiences. The relationship you build with a therapist might not actually end up feeling too dissimilar to that of a trusted friend or a family member yet the conversations and level of support and guidance within therapy will feel a lot different to a conversation with a friend purely because they are trained to have certain conversations and guide you through certain emotions.

Inevitably each therapist will have their own belief systems just like everybody else yet they spend a lot of time in reflective practice working on their own biases, defining their philosophy and approach so they can deliver the best for you.